i taught a mum friend a huge lesson this week(without knowing it)

Given that the patriarchy has failed in spectacular fashion and women don't have any support, where do we turn to?

I have had a really busy couple of weeks with my work. As well as my post natal doula clients, my yoga classes, and my reflexology clients, I attended a lot of births!

I attended a birth last Tuesday of a baby who came the day after 40 weeks. Then this led me to be free for a post natal client who even though it wasn't the plan needed me for her birth as she is here from overseas with no family nearby. I thought I then I wouldn't be attending another birth for about 3 or 4 weeks, but this next baby had other plans and was coming early at 37 weeks. Life as a doula is so unpredictable and this brings its challenges as you can plan to the nth degree and be as organised as you can with your life, but unborn babies don't care about that! It's a wonderful lesson in control- we are not in control of everything, but equally everything will all work out if we put that energy out there. I love and use the mantra "everything always works out perfectly for me"

However, this "working out perfectly for me" takes a bit of juggling sometimes when you are a Mum of three very sporty and busy children! Often this is the case that doulas are mothers with their own families to take care of. Certainly in the traditional sense when we used to birth in villages with a proper community, the elder women who had birthed before would attend the birthing women and care for her as she birthed and in the weeks that followed. The other women (and men) would rally and take care of the children left behind, often during the night as this is when baby's like to arrive. You certainly don't need to be a mother to be a doula, far from it, but more often than not it is a woman who has experienced birth and motherhood herself and they then bring their own mothering energy to the birthing space and in my experience this is just what women need. It's certainly one of the main things I bring to the space.

But in this day and age without this traditional village, in a patriarchy that is failing spectacularly, where do we turn to for help? My husband is an incredible support. He always does everything he can to make things work, he genuinely cares about my clients and being there for them, but he has his own job and we have three kids and only two of us. Eventually you run out of limbs. I also have my parents and siblings and my best friend, and they are truly wonderful, but they are also spinning their own plates and sometimes the stars just don't align where they can help me. (NB for the story that follows, my Mum and sister both offered to help me gladly, but I knew in this particular scenario who would be best placed to help me).

The other day, when my last birth of the two weeks was progressing far more rapidly than we thought I found myself with a childcare issue with my youngest. I actually needed someone to look after her overnight as my husband and boys had to be out very late (which is a very rare childcare situation for us). I knew the person who would be the best solution to look after her and because of the pressure of the birth and needing an answer and childcare sorted asap I just picked up the phone and asked her. She is a wonderful mother of two who she parents mostly on her own while working full time. She said yes instantly and said she would have been honest if she couldn't do it so if she means yes she means yes.

Within an hour she had picked her up from my Mums and I was free to completely focus on my client.

Anyway, the point of the blog is coming now! I bought her a bunch of flowers as everyone should receive flowers regularly, and I dropped them in last night. We had about a two minute exchange at the door as she was hosting people. I said I can't thank you enough for last night. She said your wee one is a pleasure and she is welcome in my house anytime. Then she said:

"You taught me a valuable lesson. I was SO impressed that you picked up the phone to ask me. I just stay over here and drown quietly most of the time and never have the guts to reach out and ask so thank you for the valuable lesson you don't know what it means to me"

Wow. What a word. Drown. We are all drowning aren't we? We need to learn how to swim, and even better we need to build a boat together that makes life easier if we are to improve society for our children and improve it for women . I don't know how we do that but maybe we should all just "find the guts" or clear our throat chakras enough to ask. Maybe a bit of screaming with feminine rage at the state of things will help?

Annie x

#motherhood #drowninginmotherhood #doula #birth #birthing #childcare #postpartum